Si vous faites un sondage pour savoir qui de vos proches a déjà utilisé un site de rencontres, vous serez sans doute surpris de constater à quel point cette pratique s'est répandue depuis les années 90. Il existe aujourd'hui des milliers de sites de rencontres dans le monde, et on estimait l'an dernier à près de 20 millions les internautes inscrits sur le site Badoo.com, le plus grand site de rencontres à l'échelle mondiale. [1] Une étude de ces dernières années montrait d'ailleurs qu'un couple sur cinq se formait à la suite d'une rencontre via un site spécialisé. Et cela n'a rien d'étonnant. Demandez aux couples autour de vous comment ils se sont rencontrés et vous en trouverez forcément qui vont parleront d'Internet ; que ce soit par l'intermédiaire d'une plateforme de jeu, d'un site de rencontres amicales ou d'un site de rencontres amoureuses ou sexuelles. L'article Wikipédia consacré aux sites de rencontres [1] présente la variété des sites que l'on peut trouver : par affinités, par préférences sexuelles, par religion, par origine ethnique, par conviction politique etc.
If you ask around you who has already used the services of a match making site, you'll be impressed with the answer, as this habit has become very common since the 90's. Today there are thousands of match making sites around the world; in 2014 the number of subscribers to the services of Badoo.com was estimated around 20 billions! [1] A study on these past years evidenced that one couple out of five was a result of a meeting arranged through a specialized website. I'm not surprised: just ask to your friends and relatives how they met their partner and you'll certainly have some of them referring to Internet, whether it is through on-line gaming or through sites for making friends, finding love or promoting one-night stands. The Wikipedia article dedicated to match making sites (in its French version) [1] shows a large variety of match making sites, with a pairing by affinities, by sexual orientation, by religion, by ethnic origin, by political views etc.
If you ask around you who has already used the services of a match making site, you'll be impressed with the answer, as this habit has become very common since the 90's. Today there are thousands of match making sites around the world; in 2014 the number of subscribers to the services of Badoo.com was estimated around 20 billions! [1] A study on these past years evidenced that one couple out of five was a result of a meeting arranged through a specialized website. I'm not surprised: just ask to your friends and relatives how they met their partner and you'll certainly have some of them referring to Internet, whether it is through on-line gaming or through sites for making friends, finding love or promoting one-night stands. The Wikipedia article dedicated to match making sites (in its French version) [1] shows a large variety of match making sites, with a pairing by affinities, by sexual orientation, by religion, by ethnic origin, by political views etc.
Pour avoir un peu d'expérience en la matière, j'ai observé des comportements et réactions assez étonnants chez les hommes et les femmes. Dans la plupart des sites, ce sont les hommes qui contactent les femmes ; celles-ci se mettent en retrait et font le "tri" parmi les profils pour mettre de côté ceux qui les intéressent. Elles décident également de répondre ou non aux sollicitations par mail ou par chat. Normalement, tout devrait s'arrêter là. Sauf que beaucoup se plaignent d'être harcelées voire incendiées par des hommes qui se plaignent de leur manque de réponse. Il faut dire que sur ce genre de site, l'utilisateur est informé en temps réel de qui consulte son profil, qui le place dans ses favoris, qui "flashe" sur lui, et il peut demander des confirmations de lecture quand il envoie un mail. Et ce flicage constant rend la navigation sur ces sites insupportable.
I confess I have some experience in this matter, and I have witnessed some surprising behaviors or reactions from both male and female users. On most of the websites, the men will first contact the women who stay in the background and browse in the profile datebase to pick-up the one they find the most relevant. They also decide to reply or not to the solicitations, by email or on the chat. Logically that should be it. But many of them are complaining to be bullied or even yelled at by men who don't appreciate their silence. It has to be noticed that on this kind of websites, the user usually gets a real-time notification each time someone looks at his profile, adds him to his favorites, or "flashes" on him; he can as well request a read-notification when he writes to someone. All these options produce quite a policing atmosphere which on a long-term basis is unbearable.
I confess I have some experience in this matter, and I have witnessed some surprising behaviors or reactions from both male and female users. On most of the websites, the men will first contact the women who stay in the background and browse in the profile datebase to pick-up the one they find the most relevant. They also decide to reply or not to the solicitations, by email or on the chat. Logically that should be it. But many of them are complaining to be bullied or even yelled at by men who don't appreciate their silence. It has to be noticed that on this kind of websites, the user usually gets a real-time notification each time someone looks at his profile, adds him to his favorites, or "flashes" on him; he can as well request a read-notification when he writes to someone. All these options produce quite a policing atmosphere which on a long-term basis is unbearable.
Pour certaines personnes, ouvrir ses mails non lus et aller voir le profil de l'expéditeur indiquent clairement une volonté de poursuivre la discussion. Aussi, si le destinataire ne donne pas signe de vie dans les minutes qui suivent, l'expéditeur se sent rejeté et éprouve alors le besoin d'attirer son attention par des relances, des remarques plus ou moins amicales voire des insultes. Réagirait-il ainsi dans la vie réelle ? Je ne crois pas, mais le relatif anonymat du Net "l'autorise" à se lâcher et à faire ressortir ses instincts. J'ai ainsi eu le cas d'une personne qui voulait entamer une discussion par un simple "salut", puis, comme je ne répondais pas, a répété son salut avant de m'accuser d'être un profil bidon. Dommage pour lui, je n'ai pas répondu à sa provocation. Même chose pour un autre qui m'avait gentiment écrit mais n'a pas apprécié quelques jours de silence et a commencé à me lancer des piques particulièrement grossières. Celui-là a eu moins de chance : la dernière insulte m'a fait sortir de mes gonds et je lui ai écrit un mail ferme pour le remettre à sa place.
For some people, opening un-read email and visiting the associated profile demonstrate a desire to engage in a conversation. So if within a few minutes the recipient doesn't reply, the sender feels rejected and might want to attract attention with reminders or comments that can be gross or turn into insults. Do you think he'd react as well in a face-to-face conversation? I don't think so, however the fact that Internet enables him to remain almost anonymous gives him a free pass to be rude and act without any regards for his interlocutor. I was contacted once by a man I barely knew and he started the conversation with a simple "hi". I found it a bit cheeky and didn't answer. I said "hi" again then accused me to be a fake profile, hoping I guess I would be mad at him and talk back. Unfortunately for him, I didn't want to raise his provocation nor enter his game. The same happened with another guy who had written nicely to me at first but couldn't stand my being silent for a few days. He started insulting me and this time I reacted with a lecture to put him back in his place. Then, as the insulting emails started to pour, I blacklisted him.
For some people, opening un-read email and visiting the associated profile demonstrate a desire to engage in a conversation. So if within a few minutes the recipient doesn't reply, the sender feels rejected and might want to attract attention with reminders or comments that can be gross or turn into insults. Do you think he'd react as well in a face-to-face conversation? I don't think so, however the fact that Internet enables him to remain almost anonymous gives him a free pass to be rude and act without any regards for his interlocutor. I was contacted once by a man I barely knew and he started the conversation with a simple "hi". I found it a bit cheeky and didn't answer. I said "hi" again then accused me to be a fake profile, hoping I guess I would be mad at him and talk back. Unfortunately for him, I didn't want to raise his provocation nor enter his game. The same happened with another guy who had written nicely to me at first but couldn't stand my being silent for a few days. He started insulting me and this time I reacted with a lecture to put him back in his place. Then, as the insulting emails started to pour, I blacklisted him.
On trouve également des gens qui manquent tellement de confiance en eux qu'ils interprètent le moindre mouvement du destinataire comme porteur d'espoir ou de refus. J'ai par exemple reçu deux mails consécutifs d'un homme qui dans le premier m'invitait à venir voir son profil, et dans le second me disait : "Tu a été voir mais tu ne réponds pas. Bonne continuation." Même si je ne l'ai effectivement pas recontacté, j'ai souri devant sa hâte : à peine quelques minutes s'étaient-elles écoulées entre les deux mails ! J'aurais tout à fait pu mettre de côté son profil pour y revenir à tête reposée, comme je l'ai fait pour d'autres. Que Diable, je ne suis pas dans un supermarché pendant les soldes, avec mission d'attraper tous les articles qui passent à portée de ma main sans réfléchir ! Ce garçon trop pressé passe sans doute à côté d'occasions en renonçant si vite ; cela dit, j'ignore depuis combien de temps il surfe sur le site et combien de refus ou de silences il a pu essuyer, aussi ne suis -je pas en droit de le juger.
There are also people with such a huge lack of confidence that they interpret each and every action of the recipient as a "yes" or a "no". I got for instance two consecutive emails from a man: in the first one, he invited me to visit his profile and in the second one, he told me: "you visited but you're not replying. It's OK. Bye-bye!" Even if I didn't write to him in the end, I couldn't help smiling at his eagerness, because there were less than 5 MINUTES between the two emails! What if I had been in a hurry and just wanted to save his profile in order to visit it again later? Come on, I'm not in a mall during the sales, rushing to grab any article I can lay hands on without giving it a thought! This impatient man would surely miss many opportunities by drawing conclusions so fast; but I don't know his story, I don't know since when he's trying to find someone and how many silences or refuses he may have suffered, so this is not my place to judge.
Un très bon ami qui surfait sur le même site que moi m'a fait part de sa frustration face à la majorité des filles qui ne répondent pas aux mails de sollicitation. Je peux comprendre les deux partis. Il est évidemment désagréable de prendre le temps de rédiger un mail d'introduction pour convaincre son interlocutrice et de faire chou blanc. Du reste, la courtoisie la plus élémentaire voudrait que le ou la destinataire décline poliment l'invitation. Cela dit, les hommes savent-ils combien de mails une fille peut recevoir chaque jour ? Je vais vous le dire : plus d'une trentaine, sans compter les sollicitations par chat qui fleurissent dès qu'on a le malheur de surfer en mode "connecté". Il est possible de tout lire, mais répondre à chaque personne de manière un minimum personnelle relève du défi. Du reste, si certaines personnes reçoivent gentiment un refus, d'autres ont du mal à l'encaisser. Je ne suis pas partisane du silence radio, que je trouve à la limite de la correction, mais j'enrage lorsqu'il me faut trouver des justifications et répondre à "mais qu'est-ce que les autres ont de plus que moi?", "mais qu'est-ce que j'ai qui ne te plait pas ?". Car si dans le cadre d'une rupture après une relation de plusieurs années, on peut souhaiter analyser ce qui n'a pas marché afin de ne pas reproduire les mêmes erreurs, expliquer de but en blanc à un parfait inconnu que l'on n'a pas envie de lui parler tout simplement parce que l'on n'est pas attiré par lui ou qu'il est le huitième à venir bavarder le même soir n'apporte rien aux interlocuteurs. Et la réalité est tout autre : je n'ai pas beaucoup de temps à consacrer au site, je sélectionne une ou deux personnes qui me semblent intéressantes - sur des critères purement subjectifs comme la photo, les hobbies, les aspirations, le baratin de présentation... - et j'échange quelques mails pour voir si une conversation sympathique s'engage ou pas. C'est cruel pour les autres, pour tous ceux qui restent sur le banc de touche, mais une seule et même personne ne peut s'occuper de tout le monde.
A very good friend of mine used the same match making site than me. He told me he got very frustrated to get absolutely no answer from most of the women, although he used to write very politely to them (I can testify!). Well I understand both sides. Of course it's unpleasant to spend time writing an email to introduce yourself and convince your interlocutor to start a conversation, and at the end to hit a brick wall. For the recipient, it would be the most basic politeness to write a few words of excuse to refuse the proposition. However do you know how many emails a girl may receive in one day on such web sites? From my own experience, it was more than thirty, and I'm not considering all the chat windows which magically appeared if you were reckless enough to connect in "available mode". One can find time to read all the emails but to answer each of them with a minimum of tact and good manners seems highly unlikely. Moreover if some people may welcome a negative answer with wisdom, some others are struggling when it comes to get over it. I'm not in favor of total silence - it's borderline in terms of common courtesy - but the worst is to have to find arguments to justify why I don't want to reply to "hi" right now and answer such questions as: "what should I do to make you interested?" or "why is wrong with me?". I totally understand the desire to analyze a past relationship, especially as a mean not to reproduce the same mistakes, but it only makes sense after breaking up with someone you have loved for years! It's useless to spend hours explaining to a complete stranger that we don't want to talk to him because we don't feel like it or just because there are already seven persons trying to talk to you and you can't be everywhere. And the truth is that I don't have much time for surfing, so I just pick one or two profiles which look interesting - for totally subjective reasons like the pictures, the hobbies, the aspirations etc. - and then I exchange a few short emails to see if a nice conversation arises. It may seem cruel for the others, for all those who are left behind, but I'm just one person, and one person cannot take care of everyone.
Du reste, il y a tous ceux qui vont "à la pêche" et copient-collent des mails impersonnels à chaque nouvelle fille qui s'inscrit dans l'espoir que l'une d'elles répondra. Il y a également ceux qui ne lisent pas les profils, en particulier la partie où l'on indique ce que l'on recherche chez un partenaire ; il y a toujours des casse-cous qui n'hésitent pas à se lancer alors qu'ils n'ont aucun point commun avec la personne concernée, voire qu'ils sont l'opposé de ce qu'elle recherche. A travers cette pollution visuelle, on comprend que certaines femmes baissent les bras et ne prennent plus le temps de se renseigner sur les expéditeurs. Des amies m'ont confié avoir fait des pauses de plusieurs jours ou plusieurs semaines, lassées d'être harcelées dès qu'elles se connectaient. Parallèlement, les garçons sérieux qui aimerait entamer des discussions profondes avec des filles paient pour tous les autres et se font recaler. A cause de ceux qui croient qu'ils peuvent tout se permettre. A cause de ceux qui trouvent que débarquer sur le chat avec un "slt" fera l'affaire. A cause de ceux qui pensent avoir les gens à l'usure. Si chacun était un peu plus honnête avec lui-même et plus clairvoyant, nous perdrions tous moins de temps !
Here is worse: some men just throw a net and "fish", by sending the same impersonal mail to every new female subscriber and hoping one of them will reply. Others don't read your profile - at least not the page where you explain what you're looking for as a partner - and claim they are your perfect match, although sometimes you and them have absolutely NOTHING in common. No wonder if some women just throw in the sponge and don't make time anymore to inquire about their interlocutors. Some female friends told me they felt so harassed as soon as they connected to the site that they had to take many breaks of several days to several weeks. On the other hand, earnest men who would like to engage in deep and sensible conversations with girls unfortunately pay for all the polluters and are turned down. Just because some think they'll get away with everything. Just because some think showing up on the chat with a "hi" is a good-enough introduction. Just because some think they'll get what they want just by grinding people down. So let's start to be a bit more honest with ourselves and a bit more perspicacious, and time will be used in a smarter way.
A very good friend of mine used the same match making site than me. He told me he got very frustrated to get absolutely no answer from most of the women, although he used to write very politely to them (I can testify!). Well I understand both sides. Of course it's unpleasant to spend time writing an email to introduce yourself and convince your interlocutor to start a conversation, and at the end to hit a brick wall. For the recipient, it would be the most basic politeness to write a few words of excuse to refuse the proposition. However do you know how many emails a girl may receive in one day on such web sites? From my own experience, it was more than thirty, and I'm not considering all the chat windows which magically appeared if you were reckless enough to connect in "available mode". One can find time to read all the emails but to answer each of them with a minimum of tact and good manners seems highly unlikely. Moreover if some people may welcome a negative answer with wisdom, some others are struggling when it comes to get over it. I'm not in favor of total silence - it's borderline in terms of common courtesy - but the worst is to have to find arguments to justify why I don't want to reply to "hi" right now and answer such questions as: "what should I do to make you interested?" or "why is wrong with me?". I totally understand the desire to analyze a past relationship, especially as a mean not to reproduce the same mistakes, but it only makes sense after breaking up with someone you have loved for years! It's useless to spend hours explaining to a complete stranger that we don't want to talk to him because we don't feel like it or just because there are already seven persons trying to talk to you and you can't be everywhere. And the truth is that I don't have much time for surfing, so I just pick one or two profiles which look interesting - for totally subjective reasons like the pictures, the hobbies, the aspirations etc. - and then I exchange a few short emails to see if a nice conversation arises. It may seem cruel for the others, for all those who are left behind, but I'm just one person, and one person cannot take care of everyone.
Du reste, il y a tous ceux qui vont "à la pêche" et copient-collent des mails impersonnels à chaque nouvelle fille qui s'inscrit dans l'espoir que l'une d'elles répondra. Il y a également ceux qui ne lisent pas les profils, en particulier la partie où l'on indique ce que l'on recherche chez un partenaire ; il y a toujours des casse-cous qui n'hésitent pas à se lancer alors qu'ils n'ont aucun point commun avec la personne concernée, voire qu'ils sont l'opposé de ce qu'elle recherche. A travers cette pollution visuelle, on comprend que certaines femmes baissent les bras et ne prennent plus le temps de se renseigner sur les expéditeurs. Des amies m'ont confié avoir fait des pauses de plusieurs jours ou plusieurs semaines, lassées d'être harcelées dès qu'elles se connectaient. Parallèlement, les garçons sérieux qui aimerait entamer des discussions profondes avec des filles paient pour tous les autres et se font recaler. A cause de ceux qui croient qu'ils peuvent tout se permettre. A cause de ceux qui trouvent que débarquer sur le chat avec un "slt" fera l'affaire. A cause de ceux qui pensent avoir les gens à l'usure. Si chacun était un peu plus honnête avec lui-même et plus clairvoyant, nous perdrions tous moins de temps !
Here is worse: some men just throw a net and "fish", by sending the same impersonal mail to every new female subscriber and hoping one of them will reply. Others don't read your profile - at least not the page where you explain what you're looking for as a partner - and claim they are your perfect match, although sometimes you and them have absolutely NOTHING in common. No wonder if some women just throw in the sponge and don't make time anymore to inquire about their interlocutors. Some female friends told me they felt so harassed as soon as they connected to the site that they had to take many breaks of several days to several weeks. On the other hand, earnest men who would like to engage in deep and sensible conversations with girls unfortunately pay for all the polluters and are turned down. Just because some think they'll get away with everything. Just because some think showing up on the chat with a "hi" is a good-enough introduction. Just because some think they'll get what they want just by grinding people down. So let's start to be a bit more honest with ourselves and a bit more perspicacious, and time will be used in a smarter way.
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